🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
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Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
never ask a starfish for directions