a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
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You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
girls literally only want one thing..
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks