A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
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If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”