When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
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To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”