Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
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Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no