The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
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I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?