I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
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Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”