My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
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I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Me too, bag. Me too….
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.