I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
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it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I hate my earbuds.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
guys i’ve cracked the code
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
🤣🤣🤣
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
“The Perfect Relationship”