WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
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Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
The internet is magic sometimes.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.