I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
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Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
The news is so predictable nowadays
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.