Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
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Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”