Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
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Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”