Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
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Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
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