Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
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Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.