Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
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{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.