Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
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jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.