A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
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Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.