asking santa clause for nudes
You Might Also Like
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.