Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
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Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I feel it
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Help Wanted
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.