The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
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jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.