A fake ID that makes you younger
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People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
I wish this was real life…
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?