I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
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A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
why isn’t thunder called soundning
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.