Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
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Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
first you must answer his riddles
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
bury ourselves