I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
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I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.