The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
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HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car