My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
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I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.