my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
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After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?