My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
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interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”