Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
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My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Ha
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.