I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
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Ooops wrong house😂😜
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms