Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
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When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
#Caturday
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
cats when you pet them too long:
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom