Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
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Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
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If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!