The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
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King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂