Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
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You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.