[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
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If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
i will not be silenced
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.