Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
You Might Also Like
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Ain’t no way
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
the council will decide your fate
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.