[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
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Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu