*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
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A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I think this cat is broken
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love