“How do you do, fellow birds?”
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That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Do not levitate over flowers
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron