Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
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Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.