me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
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1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance