Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
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Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
2023 was just a warmup
apparently this year was written by stephen king
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.