You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
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My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
My first child will be named New Folder.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
The struggle is real.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée