*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
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My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present