ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
You Might Also Like
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.