Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
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Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
saw this in a dream
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.