Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
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[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary