*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
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Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.