Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
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my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper